I walked away because I loved you.

I don't even think I know how it started, all I know is that it happened and I realized that I cared about you more than I had ever cared about anyone else. No, you weren't the most popular one, nor the most gorgeous, and your coordination was just a reflection of what a nervous person you were. But none of that mattered, because you could make me laugh. I overlooked all that and to me you were gorgeous, and ever graceful; to me you were better than popular, you were loved by everyone. To see the sparkle in your eyes and your sweet smile could make my day in a fraction a a second. You felt so soothing. I could talk with you for hours and never run out of things to say, even silence with you seemed so golden. With you I learned how to be affectionate. I learned about your quiet strength. I learned that the girl, who to others could appear as a flake, had an immense inner confidence I had never seen before.
I loved you. I loved every distorted move you made. I slowly fell in love with you. I knew if I ever wanted anyone to be my best friend, my pal, and be at my side for life then it'd be you. No, it was not physical attraction, for that matter, it was never lust. I'd think of it a sin and wouldn't allow myself to even think about you that way, but I loved you greatly.
Then I saw myself. Who was I to deserve such gift? Out of all people, why would I be deserving of such great gift? I had so many flaws, why would you want to spend more than just the casual time with me? The very core of my being started filling with insecurities. There was not a cell in my body that wouldn't shake at the thought of having you walked away when you saw the real me. You wouldn't want to be with someone so fragile, so insecure and needy. You wouldn't want that, and more than that. You didn't deserve that. No, you deserved the best of the best. I couldn't give you that.
My heart skips every time I see you now, but I never let you know. I never show it. I just smile and carry on. I keep hoping you think that I am happy, that I don't need you, that you were just someone else in my life. I want you to think that because I know that that's what I am. I am just someone else in your life. You have amazing friends. You have the family everyone would ever wish for. You know where you are headed in life. You don't need me. That's the thing, you can be complete without me.
I walked away because I loved you. I couldn't stand staying any longer. You hurt me like no one else could. Every call you didn't make. Every time you stood me up. Every instant you chose something or someone else over me. Yet, you never did face up to it. It was never your fault. You didn't call because phones are not your thing. You didn't show up because you were busy or sick. You chose them because they were always there. Every reason you gave me was not a reason to me. It was no more than a mere excuse. It was an excuse to not have to confront reality. It was an excuse to keep me on thinking that you cared. Maybe you did, I just never believed. I knew you had problems of your own and I had mine. I knew that I was making it worse for you, and to be honest you were making it worse for me. You could not be there for me because I am a handful, everything you did seemed to little for me. I became more and more needy and I am sure you just felt more and more engulfed. Yes, you did back away. I did feel the distance. You were there but I knew it was out of tolerance and kindness not because you actually wanted to be there.
There is a distinguished difference between being with someone to keep from hurting them and being with someone because you enjoy doing so. I did not want to be a burden for you. I knew you took all the fits I threw at you with more patience than anyone ever could. I also knew you did not deserve that. Neither did I. I wanted someone who wanted to be there and I wanted you to be with someone whose company you enjoyed.
I remember the first time I really tried and meant it to end altogether. I know I left you speechless. I know it was mere impulse. What I didn't know is how much it would hurt. You see, you had hurt me before. I had felt the pain pierce through my heart and move through and out of my body like a wave, very firmly. I felt the physiology of a broken heart. I thought you couldn't hurt me any more than that. Dear, was I wrong? This time the pain did not gradually move out, but it stayed and intensified. It intensified until I could feel it no longer. Yes, it made me numb. It was the worst kind of numb anyone could ever experience. That was the first and only time I was ever sure that lighting myself in fire would be more pleasing. I was sure it'd make me feel better, or at least it'd make me feel at all. I could have done it, but I didn't. I have never been as courageous to do one of those things.
Of course, I talked with you. I knew I had to, for my own sake. And you did what you know how to do best, forgive and forget. But I don't have your gift. I couldn't forget for that much longer. All the insecurity started creeping in and I knew that as good as it seemed between me and you, the was an unspoken problem. I would have liked to talk it out, but that's not you, and that infuriated me. I knew that it was better for us to definitely take separate ways; yet, this time I was wiser. I didn't do anything drastic. I just let time and some prayer take care of it. I stopped calling you. I made our conversations shorter and shorter. I stopped looking for you altogether. If you were there I did the right thing and treated you kindly, like I would anyone else. But you noticed something. I know you could feel it. I knew you felt the change. I could see in your eyes that you knew it wasn't okay when at the end of a conversation I said "I love you, too" in a dry, hesitant tone. You noticed when I didn't even say "I love you" at all. Maybe you didn't. Maybe I just thought you noticed, but I know you have a better sense than that.
I love you, kid. I want you to be there. If I ever had to choose just one person to be my best friend, my pal, and be at my side for life then it'd be you. I hope you are happy, and if you ever find that your happiness is by me then come right along. I am sure I'll always be waiting for you. I'll be waiting for when you are ready to be there. I don't plan on grieving, but sometimes I do long for you. I long for you because you have a room my heart and every time my body stops and my heart has time to itself it becomes aware. It becomes aware of that old empty room, and sends signal, cause it know you are not there. That's when I start longing for you. But do I ever stop loving you? No, I always love you. I am pretty sure I always will.

Sincerely, Sarai.