I walked away because I loved you.

I don't even think I know how it started, all I know is that it happened and I realized that I cared about you more than I had ever cared about anyone else. No, you weren't the most popular one, nor the most gorgeous, and your coordination was just a reflection of what a nervous person you were. But none of that mattered, because you could make me laugh. I overlooked all that and to me you were gorgeous, and ever graceful; to me you were better than popular, you were loved by everyone. To see the sparkle in your eyes and your sweet smile could make my day in a fraction a a second. You felt so soothing. I could talk with you for hours and never run out of things to say, even silence with you seemed so golden. With you I learned how to be affectionate. I learned about your quiet strength. I learned that the girl, who to others could appear as a flake, had an immense inner confidence I had never seen before.
I loved you. I loved every distorted move you made. I slowly fell in love with you. I knew if I ever wanted anyone to be my best friend, my pal, and be at my side for life then it'd be you. No, it was not physical attraction, for that matter, it was never lust. I'd think of it a sin and wouldn't allow myself to even think about you that way, but I loved you greatly.
Then I saw myself. Who was I to deserve such gift? Out of all people, why would I be deserving of such great gift? I had so many flaws, why would you want to spend more than just the casual time with me? The very core of my being started filling with insecurities. There was not a cell in my body that wouldn't shake at the thought of having you walked away when you saw the real me. You wouldn't want to be with someone so fragile, so insecure and needy. You wouldn't want that, and more than that. You didn't deserve that. No, you deserved the best of the best. I couldn't give you that.
My heart skips every time I see you now, but I never let you know. I never show it. I just smile and carry on. I keep hoping you think that I am happy, that I don't need you, that you were just someone else in my life. I want you to think that because I know that that's what I am. I am just someone else in your life. You have amazing friends. You have the family everyone would ever wish for. You know where you are headed in life. You don't need me. That's the thing, you can be complete without me.
I walked away because I loved you. I couldn't stand staying any longer. You hurt me like no one else could. Every call you didn't make. Every time you stood me up. Every instant you chose something or someone else over me. Yet, you never did face up to it. It was never your fault. You didn't call because phones are not your thing. You didn't show up because you were busy or sick. You chose them because they were always there. Every reason you gave me was not a reason to me. It was no more than a mere excuse. It was an excuse to not have to confront reality. It was an excuse to keep me on thinking that you cared. Maybe you did, I just never believed. I knew you had problems of your own and I had mine. I knew that I was making it worse for you, and to be honest you were making it worse for me. You could not be there for me because I am a handful, everything you did seemed to little for me. I became more and more needy and I am sure you just felt more and more engulfed. Yes, you did back away. I did feel the distance. You were there but I knew it was out of tolerance and kindness not because you actually wanted to be there.
There is a distinguished difference between being with someone to keep from hurting them and being with someone because you enjoy doing so. I did not want to be a burden for you. I knew you took all the fits I threw at you with more patience than anyone ever could. I also knew you did not deserve that. Neither did I. I wanted someone who wanted to be there and I wanted you to be with someone whose company you enjoyed.
I remember the first time I really tried and meant it to end altogether. I know I left you speechless. I know it was mere impulse. What I didn't know is how much it would hurt. You see, you had hurt me before. I had felt the pain pierce through my heart and move through and out of my body like a wave, very firmly. I felt the physiology of a broken heart. I thought you couldn't hurt me any more than that. Dear, was I wrong? This time the pain did not gradually move out, but it stayed and intensified. It intensified until I could feel it no longer. Yes, it made me numb. It was the worst kind of numb anyone could ever experience. That was the first and only time I was ever sure that lighting myself in fire would be more pleasing. I was sure it'd make me feel better, or at least it'd make me feel at all. I could have done it, but I didn't. I have never been as courageous to do one of those things.
Of course, I talked with you. I knew I had to, for my own sake. And you did what you know how to do best, forgive and forget. But I don't have your gift. I couldn't forget for that much longer. All the insecurity started creeping in and I knew that as good as it seemed between me and you, the was an unspoken problem. I would have liked to talk it out, but that's not you, and that infuriated me. I knew that it was better for us to definitely take separate ways; yet, this time I was wiser. I didn't do anything drastic. I just let time and some prayer take care of it. I stopped calling you. I made our conversations shorter and shorter. I stopped looking for you altogether. If you were there I did the right thing and treated you kindly, like I would anyone else. But you noticed something. I know you could feel it. I knew you felt the change. I could see in your eyes that you knew it wasn't okay when at the end of a conversation I said "I love you, too" in a dry, hesitant tone. You noticed when I didn't even say "I love you" at all. Maybe you didn't. Maybe I just thought you noticed, but I know you have a better sense than that.
I love you, kid. I want you to be there. If I ever had to choose just one person to be my best friend, my pal, and be at my side for life then it'd be you. I hope you are happy, and if you ever find that your happiness is by me then come right along. I am sure I'll always be waiting for you. I'll be waiting for when you are ready to be there. I don't plan on grieving, but sometimes I do long for you. I long for you because you have a room my heart and every time my body stops and my heart has time to itself it becomes aware. It becomes aware of that old empty room, and sends signal, cause it know you are not there. That's when I start longing for you. But do I ever stop loving you? No, I always love you. I am pretty sure I always will.

Sincerely, Sarai.

Forgiveness: breaking free from addiction.

I have found that forgiveness seems to be the only and absolute way of breaking the heavy and punishing chains of addiction. You may ask yourself, "What does forgiveness have to with addiction?" However, I want to answer, "A lot!"
Here is the thing. For those of us wanting to free ourselves off of the chains of addiction, yet struggling to succeed, the shame and feelings of unworthiness may be already deep seated at the very core of our being. Every time we try to quit, and this is of any addiction, it is possible that one of the reasons of why we fail is because we feel continuously shameful. We feel shameful for what they do, the shame leads us to a search to escape, to escape from ourselves, resulting in once again returning to the addiction.
It could be anything: alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation, pornography, and even eating disorders or compulsive sex. What ever it is it happens because of self-shame, not knowing who we are, and most importantly not knowing what we are worth. It is because we lack hope for better things. That's how it starts off. No one picks up a cigarette just for the heck of it, unless it were to escape something, something he/she felt helpless about. It was the lack of hope that lead to that first try, a quick escape, a way to feel better if it is at least for one minute. It happens whether we realize it or not.
It may be that you have values, which lead you to feel wrong about what you did and you even promise yourself not to do it again. Yet, you gave it that first try, and you know that for that one minute, you felt good. That's exactly what ends up leading many of us to that second try and then a third and finally getting hooked up and slowly becoming totally dependant on the substance.
Of course, not all stories are such. Some try it because of peer pressure, some may not try it a second time, some may try it and not like it, but for those suffering with addiction, that is a very possible and realistic way of how it starts.
Then one day you wake up and find yourself without it, whatever it is. You may not find the cigarettes, the sex tape, the drugs, or whatever it is, and that's when you realize for yourself that you have become absolutely dependant. You feel the agony, it's not only psychological but also physical suffering and pain. You may shake, want to scream, hurt yourself, anything, because now you have to escape something bigger than before. Now you have no self-control. Now you need it. If you don't get it you will go insane, you don't know how to live without it.
Some people turn to crime, they rob someone to obtain the money they need for their drugs, some kidnap young girls and even children to rape them. Some may end up not knowing how to deal with it in any other way than killing themselves. These things don't happen just because, they originate from something, from a bigger issue, that issue being a lot of times, if not all addiction, self-indulgence.
How does forgiveness play a role in all this? When we forgive, others, and even ourselves. Especially ourselves. Our souls are cleansed. All the feelings such as hatred, agony, helplessness, unworthiness, rage, shame and such as washed away from our system. The very feelings that cause us to start addiction, and even continue it are gone, leaving for a clear way to recovery. You can have no greater enemy than yourself. If you genuinely forgive yourself and work towards filling yourself with compassion and love, then you will feel better, the need to escape yourself will be significantly diminished. Your ability to deal with situations with a clear mind will be improved.
Forgive the ungrateful boyfriend/girlfriend, the once abusive parent, the betraying friend and all of those who have wronged you. I won't say it is easy, but if you are willing then you can do it.
If you find yourself in an abusive environment, gather the strengths to report it to the appropriate authorities. I encourage you to seek professional help and get support from those who care about you, if needed. Start by forgiving. Forgive others, forgive yourself. It makes the great miracle of recovery truly happen.

Love always, Sarai.

Friendships: they come and go.

Not longer than an hour ago did I look at an old friend's picture at the Ray's game with some of her best friends. I remembered then how back in the day those girls in the picture with her were a cause of distress rather than fun. Then, I started thinking more extensively about how friendships change through time. I myself have been experiencing some of that lately, those who meant a my life a couple of years ago now seem to be no more than strangers. It finally hit me. I have different friends than I had a before, even though I thought I'd be friends with them forever.
I am not talking about friendships that end because of a fight or anything like that, but about friendships that change slowly, with time. I am talking about the kind of friendships that end because we drift apart from each other, because we change on an individual level. The world gives a thousand spins and in all the mess we end up at some point or another, either: being distant from those who we once love so much, or becoming close to those we never thought we would be close to.
At least, that's how it is for me. I have never had a single best friend that lasted more than three years. Three years being tops if that's not too much. It is impossible to keep the same friends unless you change together with them, at the same pace, in the same direction. However, what are the odds? It happens, sometimes, but mostly it doesn't. I have learned that regardless of the situation it is always good to keep on meeting new people with the same interests as you. It is also important to leave the door slightly open for those old friends to come back and visit once in a while.